Holy moly after about 2 hours in the fighting chair I finally got the WordPress site I manage serving https 😌

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Lessons learned:
1. check your CDN if you're having SSL issues! Our cert was completely fine but Cloudflare was redirecting our https requests back to http. Make sure your CDN is cooperating!
2. Namecheap has *really* good support. The representatives were super helpful via chat and took their time explaining issues. Big props to them!

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The Cabal

This is a server created by Jahziel Villasana (aka hapax). He's not sure what he's going to use it for yet...